In recent days, there has been a great deal of discussion about race and specifically for racial reconciliation. I realized that I myself didn’t have an understanding of what such a thing means or what it would look like.

I do not speak for anyone but myself. I cannot say that I speak on behalf of anyone else and truthfully, I often feel alone in my opinions. That said, as a human being, as a human being who grew up in the United States, as a human being who is African American-or black as some say, my experiences are part of the black experience, the American experience, and the human experience. My opinions are significant for each of these reasons. I have spent my life trying to value truth while also listening to the experiences of others. I have not always been effective at doing so, but I would appreciate you at least trying to lend me the courtesy of trying to do so.

I speak offering my own hopes. What I long for will take time, and to be honest, I have a hard time believing it is possible. Furthermore, I cannot pretend that I have any special authority. I have often been reminded of this, but this is what racial reconciliation looks like when I try to envision it:

Caucasians or white people can be around me, without fearing a mistake or slip up that causes them to be judged or marked as evil. I want white Americans to acknowledge the history of African Americans, and that we are working through injury and distrust that was built up over centuries. I do not want the foundation of our interaction to be guilt but of rejoicing; I want us to rejoice because we are united because healing together after such a violent history has made us stronger. I hope this joy removes the discomfort that many Caucasian Americans feel. I do not want sad and guilty expressions whenever the word black comes up. I genuinely want Caucasian Americans to be comfortable even when they are the minority in a given place space and time. I want Caucasian Americans to feel safe asking questions, but to know that the answers may not apply to every black person they ever meet.

And I want to be comfortable around them. I don’t want to think of Emmett Till whenever I’m standing near a Caucasian female. I do not want to fear false accusation brought on by fear. I do not want to have to think so hard to communicate that I don’t mean harm. I want to walk into stores and not think about where my hands are, so that I can’t be accused of shoplifting. I want to have people ask me what I think as opposed to making assumptions regarding my opinions, affiliations, and reactions.

But it also goes beyond black and white for me. I hope that in this reconciliation, that I am reconciled to African American people. I love African American people, people who look like me, but I have never been part of many of the major cultural connections. I didn’t grow up with music, clothing, hair styles, or speaking in the ways that are familiar to many African Americans. For some, the way they talk switches based on who they are around. It is a survival mechanism. The way I speak doesn’t change, it takes many black people a while to see past historical hurts when they see me and hear me. But I hope that in the process of reconciling with Caucasian Americans, people also reconcile with me. I hope that a day will come where I won’t be written off as unwoke, or an adversary because I have an opinion that contradicts the norm. I hope that a day comes where different doesn’t mean dangerous, where my love is seen and valued. I long for a day when we can all look similar, but be different and still be safe.

This is what I hope for, and what racial reconciliation means to me. It is a vision of what might exist after the work of justice, forgiveness, discourse, and perseverance is complete. I wish I could say more and make my hopes as clear as possible, but alas, I must put my keys to rest.

Thinking about texting can even make me tired. The idea of having a semi-focused conversation, about nothing, over the course of an hour more, can stress me out. I can often find myself staring at my phone for a while before being able to send the first message. Yet I didn’t have words for why I struggled this way, until I saw The Soloist with Robert Downey JR and Jamie Fox.

The story follows the real life story of reporter Steve Lopez (Downey) who stumbles upon a homeless man named Nathaniel (Fox), who at one time was a musical prodigy. Lopez wants to help the man get back on his feet but struggles to motivate him. He also struggles as Nathaniel becomes increasingly dependent on him, showing up at his work, talking without ceasing, and resisting helpful steps forward. Nathaniel sees Lopez as his god, and openly tells him so.

This dependence makes Lopez very uncomfortable and we gain context for his discomfort by seeing him in his personal life. He and his ex wife work at the same company and the two have a relationship that yearns for reconciliation, but both know that it can’t happen. Raccoons dig into his lawn and despite his best efforts to stop them, he can’t. He and his son are estranged. Writing is the only thing that he seems to be able to get right. Writing is his superpower. Writing masks the odors of the rest of his life. His skill and position as a writer are also the things that connect him to Nathaniel and Lopez, faced with this pressure begins to create distance. He tries to fix Nathaniel, not for his own sake, but so that Nathaniel wont need him anymore. He wants to bow out of shoes that are too big for him to fill.

The drama between these competing aims causes Lopez to make some key discoveries. First, he must realize that Nathaniel isn’t the only one who needs fixing. Lopez must own his own failures and insecurities. Next, he must realize that he isn’t all powerful, he is no god. There are limits to what he can fix with his abilities. Lastly, he must come to terms with the fact that he must still act, even if his weaknesses are bigger than he thought, and his strengths smaller.

As for me, I hate texting. The tiny icons and emojis are the sum of all my insecurities wrapped up in one bit of technology. When I text, I analyze each character as if it is the secret to breaking an ancient code, a code that will tell me what another human being is really thinking…which it is… The Soloist helped me to better understand my own reluctance to interact with others. I often struggle with competing desires as it relates to others. I want to be liked, I want them to feel appreciated, I want to avoid potential conflict etc. I also struggle with knowing which portion of myself to define me and which way to communicate. Should I talk like an artist, a teacher, an engineer? Should I focus on shared beliefs or should I focus on expanding the view of the surrounding world? What if I introduce the wrong self? At the root of all of this is a fear of being rejected, a fear that I need to pray against.

The Soloist has helped me to see that it isn’t on me to be everybody’s everything in conversation. I just need to be there, and be there with other people. I don’t need to fix everything to be accepted. I don’t have to have every conversation be a life changer. I just need to be with people, and I can help as I am able. If I make a mistake I can apologize. If differences persist, the relationship can still endure. I highly recommend the movie.

While for many the time confined to home is new, for me this is rather familiar. From October 2018 until October 2019, I was more or less living in my shared house near Union Station, and rarely left my bedroom. For a year I spent most of my days by myself and at home and for a year I had to fight against fears and anxieties, numbness and hopelessness. I also had to resist feeling of being eroded and disappearing in the monotony of the days.

The first few weeks of the transition I was also struggled with near crippling levels of anxiety. Was I making the right decision? Would it all work out? Was this something that was in my head or was this really God’s plan? It got to be so bad that I would pause for 20 or 30 minutes at a time, lie flat on the floor and play worship music as I prayed.

The rest of this article is my best attempt to share with you what I learned in hopes that it will help you during this time of uncertainty. I hope that someone benefits from the lessons that I learned through great difficulty. Above all, know that there are hopes that God has for you during this time. There are things he hopes to do with you, and they are bigger than your imagination. I could have never imagined during my year of heartache, isolation, and frustration so that you dear reader would be encouraged and would know with confidence that the sun will rise again. Know that this time of trial is not the end.

Disclaimer:

One more thing, I am being affected by the crisis. The mass closures of stores, schools, and shopping centers have affected me just like you. I have not been able to work for the last two weeks and while I remain hopeful that my work will be up and running again in April, that deadline has not been promised. It is not my intent to be injurious to anyone or insensitive. I try to be tactfully frank with people. Furthermore, I believe that there are unique aspects of everyone’s walk with God and so my suggestions are intended to get you to think, discover, and grow, rather than to be things you must do precisely as I do them.

Routine

In isolation, I found that it became very difficult to maintain a sense of time. Days began to blend together, and I found myself getting more apathetic. The time was eating away at my will.

What I found was that routine was one of my best friends. I would wake at a certain time each morning and begin a routine that carried me through the first 2 hours of the day. I would wake up at 6am, read the bible, go for a run, eat breakfast, then shower, pray, and then start working on writing a book. With this, I would have accomplished several things that I believed in, and it made it much easier to do more things that I didn’t want to do later on. It made it easier to make that phone call or submit that extra job application. It made it easier to edit that page one more time.

Take some time on airplane mode

During the early weeks I would turn to my phone when I was anxious or bored. I would try to find anything that was interesting. I am not big on Twitter, but I spent hours on YouTube, Facebook, and ESPN. That said, I was very glad to begin using my phone less. I quit my fantasy football league though I was undefeated so that I would be able to check my phone less, and I began to put my phone on airplane mode for two hours each day. 

With your phone on, it is very easy to be in 1000 places at once, but very difficult to be in on place at a time. It is so easy to escape, but so difficult to stand and confront the concerns in front of you. Your phone allows you to think you are fixing the problem or are coping it, but this isn’t true. You are only avoiding looking at the problems in front of you.

Take an hour or two each day to get away from updates, notifications and ads. If you have people who may try to reach you, tell them advance that you won’t be reachable during the time. The world will be just fine if it can’t reach you for an hour.

Prayer

Twice each day, I would put my phone on airplane mode to pray. I would pray through a list of people I knew and pray for their encouragement, growth, and wellbeing. I was surprised by how frequently I saw my prayers get a favorable response from God. I was praying daily and seeing God act daily on my behalf and on behalf of other people. I would mix in with my prayers then prayers thanks and gratitude, and even time of worship.

In our normal lives, we move so quickly that we rarely notice God’s favorable response to our prayers. The last time you prayed for a good day, what did you expect it would look like? Often, God says yes, but frequently his answer is no. When his answer to our prayers is no, we rarely linger around long enough to understand why. We miss out on so much of our relationship with him by praying small and safe prayers or with prayers so large that we ourselves do not believe.

“Lord bless my homework.”

“Lord help me with the quiz coming up.”

“Lord, help my mom have a happy day today.”

“Lord please make sure that no one in the world is sad today.”

I am not trying to make fun of anyone with these examples, my hope is to challenge each person to dare to pray bigger prayers. Grow in your trust of God, by inviting him to show up in areas that require you to be vulnerable. Why do we not pray frequently for our unsaved family members? For unsaved people in countries where professing Christ is synonymous with persecution? Why do we not pray hard prayers over our loved ones and ourselves for self-control? There are studies that suggest 98 percent of men have watched porn at least once; why not pray for the men you know to have freedom from porn and sexual sin? Though I do not know the figures, it is a generally accepted fact that many teen aged persons and young women in particular struggle with self confidence and image problems through out middle high school; why not pray for the young people you know to understand how much they are loved? Why not pray for ways to bless people near you who are struggling financially?

There are many schools of thought on prayer, but my belief is this: prayer allows God to act in our lives more overtly. It may not be the way that we expect, but in the long run it is better than what we would have hoped for. It requires sincerity and vulnerability, but it is powerful. For better or for worse, God gave humanity stewardship authority over the earth so while he works daily here, a huge amount of responsibility is on us. There are things that he wants us to invite him to fix for us in our own lives, the lives of our families, our communities, our countries, and the entire world. By prayer, we invite God, who is so powerful to act even in ways that are so grand that they defy the imagination.

Whatever you pray for, pray consistently, I know from experience that you will be surprised to see how God shows up.               

Memorize Scripture

This will help you for two reasons:

1. Having a goal that can be controlled helps with the helplessness feeling of being in isolation. Time in isolation is filled with uncertainty and a lack of control. You cannot control your length of stay or what difficulties arise during the day, but you can control how quickly or effectively you memorize scripture. Each day, the amount of time I spent memorizing scripture, the methods I used, and my time frame, were all up to me. It was on me to get there and each time I reached a goal, I got to celebrate. It didn’t matter how uncertain my circumstances were, there was something I could accomplish and did accomplish on a daily basis.
2. Scripture is inherently good for you. Taking time to read and wrestle with God’s word gives you a much bigger appreciation of who he is and what his intentions are. You will find that the more time you spend reading and memorizing it, the more you will understand about life, God’s plans for you here, and even God’s personality. As I memorized Hebrews verses speaking to hardship were a constant encouragement to me, encouragement that helped spur me on and help me press forward despite my circumstances.

During my year of unemployment, I memorized the entire book of Hebrews even as a forgetful person who struggles to memorize phone numbers. As I began to memorize it, I kept thinking to myself ‘this is impossible, there is no way I’ll ever get through 1 chapter, let alone 13.’ Yet at the end of the day I was able to get all of them.  It is difficult to memorize something so large but not impossible. Still, you may want to start with a chapter, and memorize a few verses each week. Write them down frequently, recite them aloud. Walk around your living room or kitchen as you listen to it on the bible app. Engage with the text in as many ways as possible and be consistent.

Community

One of the biggest parts of weathering this storm well, is staying in contact with other people, especially people who are refreshing. it will take time and it will feel inconvenient, but it is worth it.

I personally struggle with feeling motivated in this regard. There are times when I don’t even want to call or text my loved ones because even a text feels like a daunting chore. But I find that once the conversation begins that I enjoy it. I personally avoid texting, video messaging or phone calls are my preferred methods.

Keep in mind that you are not a burden to someone when you reach out. In the early days of my year being unemployed, a friend from a ministry I served with reached out to me out of the blue. The conversation was short, and I was so surprised that I probably didn’t make great conversation, but him reaching out meant the world to me.

You should also reach out to some people who you don’t like as much. You may be surprised with how well it goes.

Physical activity

Run, run, run. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. If you cannot leave your house, do pushups or bicycle kicks, even jumping jacks are a great option. Do something that is physically active.

Physical activity has many benefits. Physical activity helps to alleviate stress and I have also found it to be helpful with managing sexual frustrations. It can also be a great way to set and achieve goals. Maybe you want to be able to do 10 pushups? 20 Pushups? 30? Regardless, having a physical fitness goal is another great way to manage the loss of control that comes with isolation. I would avoid goals for weight loss or weight gain, those are possible but are also quite dependent on diet and other factors that are difficult to manage during a crisis. Focus on growth!

Enjoy things

This is one of the most important things that you can do, but only when paired with one or two of the others. Make time to do things that you actually enjoy. Don’t be so quick to eat an easy snack if you like baking and enjoy cake. don’t binge on Netflix when there is a book that you know you’ll enjoy.

On the other side, don’t fight to be regimented in everything. Not every second of every day has to be “productive.” Watch a funny video or listen to some music that you enjoy each day. Learn about something you enjoy. Buy yourself a pint of ice cream. Get an extra hour of sleep once a week. Do something that is enjoyable. Be productive, but have fun with it, try to make the changes that you are embracing now sustainable. All of this is about consistency rather than frantic effort.

I’m an author! Now what…? This is the feeling that began in July and persisted through August. What should I be doing? Am I doing anything? Was it all worth it?

I have often felt like I haven’t done much since writing the book, but that isn’t true. I reached out to a hundred people in order to secure reviews. I reached out to every career center in DC as well as many news outlets. I’ve made calls. I’ve sent email. Crickets. So I’ve done what I can, I’ve gotten back to work.

I’ve been working on an audio book version as well as doing a new round of edits for an update. Confusing paragraphs have been clarified, wonky grammar adjusted, and redundant sections removed. Formatting is much more consistent. The result has been a book that is much more reader friendly. It is leaner, meaner, and more crisp.

In other news I’m a semifinalist in a poetry competition! The final results come out in December so stay tuned! I hope to do more competitions for writing, and have started building a calendar.

It is only fitting that the book was finally ready in June. Traditionally June is a month of harvest (I believe this to be the case though I am not a farmer). How fitting that something that took months to plant and grow is now ready for harvest season. But harvest is still hard work. The crops that have been planted, watered, protected from insects and pests, shielded from a withering sun–all will be wasted if the crops are simply left in the field. Farmers must gather friends and family to harvest while there is still time, before the heat dries out the crops or an unexpected rain drowns them. Now is the time of harvest.

The first part of harvest was the book launch which you can view here. Getting to see the dozens who have supported this effort and holding the book in my hands brought choking tears to my eyes. I remember telling my mom that this joy after anguish must be what childbirth feels like (naturally she merely laughed). What an incredible feeling, having something that has been an idea for so long become…solid…touchable…living…

To harvest Life After Graduation: A Work Survival Guide, people have to find out that it exists and see that it will help them. It will require speaking engagements, social media campaigning, and leveraging every possible opportunity. Part of it will require the help of you dear blog reader-if you believe in this book and that it will help even a single person, I am counting on you to get the word about it to them.

With sincere joy

SM

Today there was a mini-panic. Somehow I discovered that I had two versions of my final manuscript-one that was actually ready, and one that was only 90% ready. Naturally I almost uploaded the wrong version… Nonetheless God is faithful. Yesterday as I was perparing to upload I felt that he wanted me to delay doing so. At first I persisted but I relented. He has helped me to look like less of an idiot than I am :).

Today I began reaching out to persons who have podcasts on work related topics. On one hand there is uncertainty regarding rejection, but at the same time I know that they are only human and that God will open a door in some way or another.

I know that the book is good. My younger brother has already been reading it, and has given it glowing reviews. This is a huge relief to someone like me! Maintaining level is often a challenge. Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world, perhaps the book will cause a revival! Other times I must remind myself that this book was worth the sacrifice if only two people read it.

The goal is to keep steadily completing the tasks required for the book to make it to the hands of readers. The temptation is to rush through it or to slow up and avoid tasks. Both of these are fear and cannot be tolerated. The first is the fear of inadequacy, the second is the fear of irrelevance. Neither is true. I must remember that. We are sooooooo close everyone!

You may imagine that the hardest part of the book is the writing. Grinding daily to hit the word count. You would be wrong. You may then assume that it is the editing. After all peer review must require some measure of humility. It must be hard to let others review and critique your work right? It is, but it is not quite the hardest part. The hardest part is realizing that you are about to cross a Rubicon.

For example, today as I invited people to the event, I was overwhelmed by the number of people I have encountered in my life time. Many of these people knew me at different stages of life. Some of them greatly wronged me. I greatly wronged some of them. Yet all and everyone will have an opportunity to read my book and to challenge my ideas. That is pretty nerve racking. Fears try to rise, fears of controversy. It becomes tempting to go back to my room and lie down, perhaps for many days. And that is how it feels on a good day. It becomes difficult not to frantically check Facebook or YouTube for any possible diversion.

This is why living in prayer is so crucial. Without prayer who can stand? There may be someone, somewhere, but that person is not me. I have no illusions about who I am without God constantly pouring into me.

By faith I know that if only two people buy and benefit from this work, I will have beaten time. The lessons in this book took 3.5 years. In a few hours the reader will inherit at least that much time. If those two make an impact in their workplaces, in a sense I will have 3 times as much reach and impact as before. I work by faith trusting that this time has not been wasted. I look forward refusing to be slowed, stopped or defeated.

Praise the Lord.

Guess what guess what guess what???!!!! The room reservation is in! Please be praying! It looks like we will have the launch event June 12th at 7pm on American University’s campus!!!!! WOOOOOOOOTTTTTT!!!!! So many missteps, miscues and delays but praise God, we’re almost home! Special thanks to Owen and Sara Beightol- two super awesome campus missionaries who have lent me a hand!!!! Zooomigosh!!! *kerhem.* I’m back to normal now… We’ll have confirmation by early next week. Pray for them as they go to their summer session/evangelism event #beachproject

There is still more good news. Joe Johnson is still working on the cover, and everyone who is reading the full book to write a review upon has received their reviewer copy. Next week the reviewers who have sections will receive their sections and in two weeks (hopefully), the chapter commitment review writers will receive theirs!

Keep me in your prayers!

I have now laid eyes on the book cover! Or rather, I have now laid eyes on the draft of the book cover! Joe Johnson has done some amazing work, and I have high hopes. I also have a tentative agreement RE a venue for the book launch event, but more details on that later!

Please keep me in prayer, this week has been hard on me for reasons not related to the book. I’ve had several instances that compelled me to relive and reevaluate old “injuries.” Yet there is good news too. In getting to speak with a family member, I gained new perspective on how to focus on things that look like failures. I must realize that if I am in God’s will, what I have to offer is good, and for the good of those who are along the path he has made. Take heart friends, we’re about to see fruit :).

One of the most challenging parts of writing a book is the waiting. There are things that require patience. This makes blogging difficult because it feels like you’re running out of things to say, and it becomes difficult to stay motivated. Regardless, I am back now!

A lot has happened since I last posted. I’ve been helping my father with business matters which has challenged me and grown me. I have a girlfriend now (she’s a keeper)-I still can’t figure out how that happened; I never imagined that I would be half that blessed. She is definitely cooler than me :). Aaaannnnd, the book is now finished! I am waiting on the cover artist, but the content is ready to go!

I am considering whether or not to do a launch event. Presently I have had great difficulty with finding a venue and so I may save that step for my second book which will come out this year. If I can’t find a venue in May, we’ll be launching digitally!

I will try to get back to weekly posts! Stay tuned!